Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

I was up all night reading about insomnia