Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch