Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

I just tested negative for patience.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

dam girl

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”