Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.