my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?