my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!