my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute