I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels