My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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