My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY