[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…