*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
You can’t rush stupid.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”