My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken