My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
