Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.