Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.