Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Where’s my employee discount too?

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

I have no passwords left in me

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.