My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
okay run it by me one more time
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
