My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
