Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit