My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
You better watch out
