My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
