@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

You Might Also Like

@Swishergirl24

Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@taramae72

Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@ArtfulNight

In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@SentenceReduced

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

@girlnarly

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

@FrenulumBreve

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!