My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My favorite type of men is ramen.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo