Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
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Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.
Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-