My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.