My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”