My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Time heals everything 🙂
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
a lot to unpack here
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho