Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

out-housing market appears to be strong

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line