My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
all bases covered
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.