My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Art by Pastelkatto
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Thinking about a snail with a limp