Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I didn’t realize that was an option

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya