Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Oh. My. God.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.