My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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Worst bar ever.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
my little pony implies the existence of a larger, more terrifying my pony
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.