My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
You Might Also Like
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it