My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away