Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

this could fix me

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.