Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor