MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.