Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining