Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.