Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

blocked.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.