My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
About to throw up
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap