My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Florida be like…
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Good morning y’all ☀️
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.