My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
