My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”