Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Just how popey was the pope today?

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.