My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
You Might Also Like
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there