Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.