Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs