my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
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I just tested negative for patience.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.