Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.