@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

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@LostFelicia

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

@ashleyaustrew

I’m on the snake diet. It’s the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.

@Elizasoul80

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@just1fool

I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, “This is as good as it’s ever going to get. Buy some relish.”

@ixix82

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

@ArtfulNight

In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.

@Mom_Overboard

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.