my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Breaking news:
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them