Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

If you need a laugh.. 😅

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.