Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.