Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…