Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

*struts into the new year
~ trips