Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Me irl

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger