My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first