My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Interior design 👌
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.