My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
How I’d get arrested…
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Science is fun!
#nottrue
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour