My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
2022 will be better than 2021
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*