Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

presenting your incognito window wrapped

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting