My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Hell yeah 👍
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
