My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
As per my last nervous breakdown
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
