Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.