My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
