My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
