My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?![]()
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The first matador
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured