My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
