My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?![]()
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
rapatouille
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
A little too much information.
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can