Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*