Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.