Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

God saw you do that.

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

🤣

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake