My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
We need more people like this.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…