My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
this chia pet tastes awful
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.