My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)