Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

he’s doing your taxes

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Lmbo

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

pat pat

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards