Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.