My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
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I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
🎵 I can’t wait to
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER